Monday, February 1, 2010

The only thing I fear is... fear.

I know what it's like to have a panic attack. And I never want to have one again. There was a time when I was afraid of things... when the anxiety would build without me even realizing it and it overwhelmed me, and sometimes a panic attack would set it. Now? Now I'm so afraid of having a panic attack that the fear of that itself leads to a panic attack all on its own. Whenever I get into a situation that holds memories of past anxiety, the worry of an oncoming attack takes hold.

I'm not afraid of the things I'm afraid of anymore... I'm not afraid of things. I don't need them. I'm afraid of the fear itself... of my mind hazing, my hands shaking, my heart palpitating as though I'm having a heart attack, of my guts twisting until I feel as though I might throw up... of the uncontrollable feeling of sheer dread taking over my body - without cause and without cure.


Anonymous said...

there may not be a cause, but i think there might be a cure.
its all in your mind.
try to reason it out, and if possible, accept it.
also, you could try saying out loud every day "i am not afraid"
words have the power of life and death.
ill pray for you.

mommy said...

I've been exactly where you are. I spent 2 years having test after test after test done, I even spent time in the hospital, just to be eventually diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and be told that I was having panic attacks. I'm posting here to tell you that there is hope that it won't always be this way. I used to have panic attacks daily. I thought I was dying. I couldn't go to school, my therapist pulled me out and put me in a home school program, I couldn't have friends, I could barely function. Now, I haven't had a single panic attack in 6 years, and I am medication free. You can do it. It may not seem like it now, but you will pull through it if you are determined enough. There is a wonderful life just waiting for you to live it.

Anonymous said...

I have the same thing. The only thing that helps Me is to realize its all in my head. I am in charge of my thoughts and refuse to have a panic attack.

Anonymous said...

I'm 16 years old, a teenager, way young. And, I honestly thought I was alone. Alone that is, until I read this. I ... I honestly thought I had written it. That is until I remembered that I've never posted anything to this site. Panic attacks are a hell of their own. Anyone who has not had one won't understand. They CAN'T understand. The fear might always be there, it is for me. And the only advice I can give you is to put yourself out there. I know how hard it is, but when you THINK about having a panic attack, most times, you will. So, try not to think about it. And I know how hard it is NOT to. It's near impossible. But TRY. And remember, never think you're alone. I have thought I was alone in this for the past 5 years, until I read this. But, I'm not alone. And neither are you.