Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I fear the sickness coming on...I'm about to be dopesick AGAIN and I have this new job I HAVE to go to and no hope of relief for another TWO WEEKS when I can get my medication refilled. I know how badly I am going to feel, I've been sick this way a thousand times. I keep doing it to myself and fear I will never be able to stop. I'm not even out of meds yet- I've got 20 pills left, but I am locked into sharing them with *him* and me, I take 20 a day all by myself, so 20 pills left is nothing. I am so afraid of what I know is to come, there's no way out of it, either. It's like steaming down hill and seeing the cliff at the bottom but being unable to stop...
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I feel your pain. I felt your pain over 4 years ago. I could not see a way out either. Once I finaly confided in a friend, she forced me to a treatment facility. I cried and tried to leave. I stuck it out waiting for the sickness to start, but for once it didn't come. Not to the point that would paralyze me with fear anyway. I had support, stayed busy with those who were in my same situation or worse. I was released 4 days later completely off the pills and had clarity for once. He didn't like it. I think he was jealous since his pride would not allow him to seek help. To this day, I do not crave them, ache for them, depend on them---i am free from that torment. He found other means to cope, but isn't over his dependence on something at all times. Swallow your pride, go to detox, and get healthy. I PROMISE you will be forever changed. I was furious to have to go, and I could have just left anytime. But the others in my shoes, talking, laughing, and realizing that I had an entire life ahead was priceless. Give it a try. Its scary and embarrassing at first. If you DON'T do it though, you will continue to further self-destruct and hide in shame or even worse----die. Do it for YOU. Love YOU. I can assure you that it will change your life like you never dreamed. Stay strong!
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