Monday, December 21, 2009

I fear that I will never ever get over the rape, and the abusive relationship.. and that I will never allow another male to get close to me ever again. I fear that even though I have finally found a man who I can trust, I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable being physical with him. Everytime I even think about it old memories pop into my head and bring me down. I love him, but I fear that I am going to hurt him by physically pushing him away from me.. but I don't know how much I can take.. I really do love him and I hope he realizes it's nothing to do with him and he's done nothing but make my situation easier


Kaiilee said...

Tell him, Tell him, Tell him, is the best advise you can take right now.
If he loves you like you love him he'll undertsand.
I know this because I have been in the same position as you, rape n abuse has stopped me from being close, fear itself keeping me from living the life i wanted..
but honestly tell him the truth will set you free, he should understand better, but he wont know unless you TELL HIM.

p.s. be strong you are amazing :)

pbellina56 said...

I totally understand how you feel. I been there. I have a story that never got told. Fear, yes fear of others who could not face all that has happened to me. To me & the 2 children that where born from it all. I was told that no one, especially a man would ever love a damaged women. That if I was ever lucky enough to find one that I would owe him everything. All I ever heard was how I was the damaged one. Fear was everywhere and I know it has eaten me alive like a cancer from the inside out. I been dealing with all kinds of fears that grow from fear and it only gets worst if you don't deal with all the awful memories, nightmares. oh the list goes on and on and keeps growing. I am 55 now & all alone with the pain of it all. But I am finally facing it all and I am telling you something, something frees up inside of you and allows you to feel life the way you are meant to be. Of course I have not done this alone. I speak to god or my higher power every chance I have. I know we hear the saying, " the truth shall set you free". These sayings come from someone else experiences and we need to listen more ofter to them more deeply. I found that writing my memories down as I started to remember them, helped me so much. Then one day my husband found what I wrote, which really surprised me, because he never seemed interested in what I wrote or had to say. But I was sitting with my book & he sat in front of me on his knees. I had no idea what he was going to say or do. Then with tears in his eyes and trying to find his voice, he said....I, I am so sorry, I read your story and after 34 years of marriage I had no idea this happened to you. I was in shock,couldn't speak, holding or trying to hold back my tears I felt like something was tearing me into a million pieces and I really believed I was going to die from all the pain of never telling anyone the whole story. I been threw over 50 surgeries, so many times I was beating and raped and left for dead, and none of that hurt as much as holding in the pain of not telling and releasing all that I been threw. So I really pray you chose to live and enjoy the love and the life you are meant to live. Wishing you the best and praying you find the strength it takes to stop letting this define who you become. It is not a part of you unless you take it in and let it settle in. I hope this has helped in some way.