Thursday, September 18, 2008
I fear loving someone intensely and losing them. I fear never loving someone enough, but being with them anyway just to avoid being alone. I fear wasting my life away because there's nothing inside to keep me going. I fear finding out there really isn't any point. I fear ugliness. I fear pain. I fear my limits. I fear knowing that each month my suicide plans get more detailed. I fear my cowardice and knowing I'm only alive by default. I fear finding out I'm stupid. I fear everyone hating me. I fear losing limbs. I fear life. I fear nothingness. I fear living forever. I fear awareness. I fear my sins catching up with me. I fear I really am a waste of time - I have looked at it rationally and in relation to other people, and some people simply have more worth. I fear this is not warped thinking but simply true. I fear that morals and goodness are convenient social constructs brought on by evolutionary necessity. I fear growing old. I fear my continual desire to walk into walls. I fear never knowing till it's too late. I fear "good enough" because it never is.
Posted by Online Blog at 9:36 PM