Thursday, September 18, 2008

I fear loving someone intensely and losing them. I fear never loving someone enough, but being with them anyway just to avoid being alone. I fear wasting my life away because there's nothing inside to keep me going. I fear finding out there really isn't any point. I fear ugliness. I fear pain. I fear my limits. I fear knowing that each month my suicide plans get more detailed. I fear my cowardice and knowing I'm only alive by default. I fear finding out I'm stupid. I fear everyone hating me. I fear losing limbs. I fear life. I fear nothingness. I fear living forever. I fear awareness. I fear my sins catching up with me. I fear I really am a waste of time - I have looked at it rationally and in relation to other people, and some people simply have more worth. I fear this is not warped thinking but simply true. I fear that morals and goodness are convenient social constructs brought on by evolutionary necessity. I fear growing old. I fear my continual desire to walk into walls. I fear never knowing till it's too late. I fear "good enough" because it never is.


Anonymous said...

All my life I've been the poster child for the "give it your all" philosophy, but lately I've found myself asking "for what?" I can't tell you why you are here, but even in my elementary-level faith I know you are supposed to be. And I dont know what I can possibly say to convince you (maybe because im trying to convince myself at the same time), but I like this: "it is in changing that things find purpose." ....a little motivation for those of us who have none.

Have faith in yourself buddy. You will be alright.

Anonymous said...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you're the type that checks periodically in case anyone has replied to their comment, because I really am grateful.